“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”
Over the years, I have quite intentionally turned myself into an open book. I'm not the type of person you have to guess at, nor am I the type of person who enjoys game playing. I feel as though if you have something to say, or wish for someone to know, then you should just go ahead with it. If someone wants to know what is wrong; I tell them. If I have an issue with someone or something; I address it. This little personality trait has sometimes rubbed people the wrong way and, others time, has been met with a great deal of positivity. After all, most times honesty is interpreted in a much different way than what one had intended. Now don't misunderstand, I am not one of those people who runs around saying whatever I want to whomever I want. I don't run my mouth where it isn't welcome, nor do I offer my advice where it wasn't asked for. I always try my best to express who I am and how I feel in the most polite way.
Polite, not fake.
I am not a big fan of telling people things just because that is what they want to hear. Over the years I have found, for me, that being open and receptive makes life so much easier. Listening without talking, suggesting without judging, talking without condescending. Communication my friends, is the key that will open all doors. And it is also, the one thing that is so greatly misunderstood. Under appreciated, if you will. I truly believe that communication, or the lack thereof, is what is causing this country to crumble.
My next door neighbor returned home recently after suddenly disappearing for two weeks. Upon asking him where he had ran off to, he informed me that his 14 year old grandson had hung himself. He was getting into trouble at school, his girlfriend had broken up with him, and he thought that his life was no longer worth living. I was stunned. 14 years old and this young man had such a hard time seeing past his pain, that he took his own life. He had a wonderful family, many people to turn to, but for some reason he felt as though he couldn't. Somewhere along the way, the communication was broken.
Communication is something that we most often have to teach ourselves. We have to look at a situation from many angles, assess the underlying problems, and handle it in a mature manner. It is something that takes effort, it is something that takes work; hard work. This may be why so many people try to take shortcuts around it. The problem though, is that there aren't shortcuts. Shortcuts are what causes things to be left unsaid or misunderstood. It's what allows people to assume or to judge. It is truly, the root of all evil. I've seen first-hand how improper communication can destroy relationships. Even as I sit here and write this, I know there are relationships in my own life that are in dire need of repair. Sometimes though, the knowing and the doing are two completely different things. Sometimes, the words we need to find to communicate are lost to us.
What then, do we do?
This is when we have to understand that communication comes in many forms. Not only words, but actions, body language, and even silence. We withhold ourselves, our words, our emotions, in many ways. Each of them however, are links that create the whole. Once you start destroying links, the whole thing can fall apart. My constant obsession with open communication started with most of these issues. I became frustrated with anger being a coping mechanism for the people around me who couldn't express themselves. I became enthralled at being given the silent treatment when the people around me didn't feel like dealing with a situation. I don't like the slamming of doors, the hanging up of phone calls, the many months of not talking at all. I more than don't like it; I hate it.
These are the things that, literally, keep me awake at night.
Mostly it's because I am a fixer. I like to make people happy. I don't like people being upset at one another and I always want to be able to find the thing that will make it all better. The problem with being a fixer though is that, inevitably, the day will come when you don't want to do it anymore. You want someone else to fix it, you want someone else to make it all better. And then you realize that they're not going to; and it's all your fault. It's your fault, because you spent so many years trying to make things better, that nothing ever truly got fixed. A strong line of communication was never formed and the links that you thought were so strong, were really only band-aids. Band-aids whose days were numbered. They were always going to break and it was really only a matter of when.
The day where you realize you have totally failed at the one thing you work so hard at, is a humbling one. I have worked so hard since day one of meeting my husband and day one of becoming a mother, to make communication my number one priority. It has given me the most amazing marriage, and the wonderful relationships that I have with my children. It is, in my opinion, the most important thing I could ever give them other than my love. It is what will help them in every avenue of their lives; school, career, friendship, love. To be able to speak their mind and express themselves properly, without fear of not knowing how. I've done this for my boys, because it allows us a beautiful, stress-free life. There were other places where this hard work was needed as well, though.
I wasn't practicing what I was preaching.
"And life makes love look hard"- That's what Miss. Taylor Swift tells us; and she is so dead-on. We let all of the crap that life piles on us get in the way of the important things. The love is always there, but it's the other stuff that holds us back. Too many things go left unsaid, too much time goes by, and then before you know it, you can't even remember what the issue was. And you realize that you really don't care. You realize that you just want to re-build those links that were broken. You want to make them stronger and tougher than they ever were. You want the love to be the most important thing. Because that is really what life is supposed to be about; the love. And yes, sometimes love isn't enough; this is true. However, if the foundation of love is there and you are willing to put in the work, then nothing is impossible.
So I say we all stop being so scared to mend the things that lie broken behind us. Communicating is the most frightening, and exhilarating, thing that we can stand up against. We should acknowledge those unspoken words, the hidden hurt, and open ourselves up to the thought that all things may not be lost forever. And even if, in the end, things aren't really what we hoped they would be; then at least we can say we tried.
We can rest easy knowing that we spoke the words, we conveyed our meaning, and that we did it with love.
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