You've Got A Friend In Me.

I don't know why it is, but so far this is the hardest post that I have had to write. It may be because I have regrets, it may be because I am still carrying some hurt, but regardless it all boils down to the same thing. Throughout the course of our lives we develop many relationships. We are daughters, sisters, mothers, wives. For some reason though, the most difficult role I have played is friend. As with many things, it seemed as though the friendships that I had in my life before I was a mother were as easy to manage as any of the other roles I had played in my life. After I started having children though, my friendships became more difficult than raising my sons. I would have to say that it really started shortly after I got married. I sit here and try to make sense of it, but I really cannot pinpoint what the cause of it was. It wasn't until recently that I realized how early in my life I started making very serious life choices. I was 19 when I met my husband, 20 when we were married, and 21 when I had my first son. At the time it all felt so natural and right, I never realized how young I really was. I suppose that could have been quite intimidating to even my closest friends. Even now though, as I approach my 25th birthday, it only seems to get harder. There are so many wonderful, special people that I have known that just don't fit into my life as it stands now. It may be that Laura-Jean the woman, knows and understands who you are, but that same person that you are does not mesh well within my family life. And it really becomes so, so difficult to recognize when I have to make that realization. Outside of how hard it has been for me to recognize who the right people are to have as friends for myself, as well as my family, is when those same people judge me for the life I have chosen. It has been such a double-edged sword starting my family at such a young age. Many of the people I have cared about simply just don't understand that I can't drop what I'm doing at the last second to go somewhere, or spend $40 on a pedicure when that money could be spent on wipes and groceries. My responsibilities and priorities, for a long time now, have been night and day from the average 20-something. Even as someone who is use to hard situations and difficult decisions, I have found it so hard to face these people. Friends that you love, that you have created so many memories with, but you just aren't that person anymore. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't find the words to let them go. Sometimes it is just too hard. Gah, this really is hard. My mind starts racing with one, two, three, etc... people that I wish I could reach out to, but life just isn't that way. And in response to that sentiment there are just as many people that I wish I could apologize to, but they still just would not understand. I suppose it is all just a part of growing. Of doing what you know if best for you, regardless of how it makes others feel. I suppose I can just walk away knowing that I always have had my reasons, I have always tried my best, and I will always carry it with me. Friendships are like family. We have all heard it, we have most of us said it, but we very few realize how serious it is. Family will always leave its mark on you. And we will always remember what the mark stands for and what it represents.