You're Invited: A Pity Party For One.

So my weekly blog hasn't been written on in 3 weeks. I must say, the effort of getting out of bed in the morning has been difficult enough without thinking about writing an entire blog.  Before I got pregnant, I didn't even bat an eye at having another baby. Being my third pregnancy, I thought that by now I would be a "pro" at this whole thing.  Now I'm certain that I will never be one, nor will any other mother for that matter. If anything, I have learned more about pregnancy, life, and love in these short 10 weeks than I have in a long time. It has been a very humbling experience. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm not in a lot of pain, or that I'm not more exhausted than I have ever been, or even that I haven't wondered what in the WORLD I was thinking. I will say, that in the midst of all of this, I think I have a slight understanding that God may have chosen this situation for me as a way of telling me to slow down.

 I have, for a while now, taken great pride in the life I have created for my husband and children. I am THAT woman. My house is always clean, I make almost every meal, I make an effort to plan and do special things with my boys, and I try to keep myself put together and still looking like "LJ". I don't go out of my way to do it, it's just a part of who I am, my personality. I don't do it to show off, I do these things because I enjoy to do them. Since I have gotten pregnant however, my house is not anything like what I would call acceptable, I have only made dinner twice in the last two weeks, and I am almost in a constant state of "frumpy".  In the first few weeks, it made my skin crawl. I hated that I couldn't conduct my life in the way that I was use to, that I couldn't do things with my boys as much as I wanted, or be the wife that I wanted to be. But you know what? The world hasn't ended. My children are still happier than ever and my husband has proven himself the saint that I have always known he is. Life goes on.

My husband. I say he has been a saint, but I fear that may be an understatement. He has always been a champ throughout each of my pregnancies. I mean, we have gone through some STUFF to bring those boys into this world. This time though, this one takes the cake. And he has not uttered one single solitary complaint. He hasn't even batted an eye that his wife has seemingly been replaced by a pod person. He helps in any way he can, tries to make me laugh when he knows I just want to cry, and tucks me in when I go to bed at a disgustingly early hour. I'm sure he isn't terribly saddened by all that extra video game time he has been getting (hahaha), but he has shown me a million times over why I chose him for the rest of my life. I love that man with every ounce of my being. And even though he has always wanted four or five children(as have I), he completely understands that I may not be able to do this again.

I have a friend who just had her first son (Hi Shannon! Hehe) and went through many of the things in her pregnancy that I am going through now. Her pregnancy was so terrible, that she has said that she doesn't know if she wants to have any more children. When she first told me that, I really didn't understand it. "It's worth it" I told her, "You will forget all about it" I said. Now? Now I totally get it. (Yeah, yeah...you were right lmao) I thank God that this wasn't my first child, because I too, would be terrified to do it again. I look at my boys though and they help melt away all of the pain that I may be feeling in that moment. I have been so truly blessed to be able to bear children and I have learned SO much from the both of them, that I already know that it's worth it.  I've already learned so many lessons from this child and I haven't even laid eyes on them yet. The knowledge of motherhood is ever-flowing.

I am counting down the moments until I can see my little bean. It's maddening not being able to see that little heart beating on the screen, or see their little hands and feet. It becomes tangible when you hold that little picture in your hand and you know that they're okay and thriving within you. And whoever they may be; my little Audrey or my little Davis, I will bear whatever path they wish to lead me down. Even though I am deep in the midst of my pity party and say that I may be done after this; I have always known to never say never. My family is my treasure and the lessons they have for me are worth every moment of pain.

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here