When I first started this blog, my intention was to create a place for myself that would allow me to properly organize the thoughts and emotions that come a long with the hectic life of a stay at home mother. Some things I have written have been solely for my own benefit, a way to get the words on a page and out of my head. Other things have been a way for me to reach out and reassure myself that I wasn't the only mother or woman out there who was feeling frustrated, sad, or whatever the emotion of the moment may have been.
Since having my second son, I feel that my approach to people and to life has been drastically evolving from what it once was. At first I didn't even realize it was happening. It has really only been over the past two or three months that have I really begun to see the difference. Not simply just the addition of a second child has done this, but rather the dynamic of that child has. I have learned to question much of what I thought I knew in terms of parenting, I have developed a patience that I never thought I could be capable of, and I have become quite intolerant of the way other mothers have started treating each other.
Many mothers come into parenthood not really knowing what to expect. We listen to our parents, our peers, our pediatricians. Much of what we learn though, comes directly from the relationship we have with our child. We slowly learn what they need and what works for them, as well as what works for us. When I had my first son, I had a much similar experience. It was a lot of trial and error; sometimes I soared and sometimes I crashed...hard. Ultimately though, things progressed much in the way that I was always told that they "should." With my second son however, things are different. Nothing has at all gone in the way that normal society would deem "appropriate." By that I mean, he isn't following what most people would say is the correct timeline for certain things. In some things, such as crawling, walking, and overall intelligence; he soars, doing things far sooner than expected. In others though, sleeping and eating specifically, it has proven to be quite difficult or "delayed" some would say.
In the beginning I thought that it was just a matter of finding the proper solution. After a few months though, we started to realize that maybe we were trying to fix a problem that didn't exist. We would follow his cues up until a certain point and then we would start trying to force solutions on him that we were told were correct. Things that society told us were the proper course of action. Eventually we saw that the best thing we could do for our baby was to follow his cues for as long as was needed and necessary for him. It hasn't been easy. I'm more exhausted than I have ever been and with his first birthday quickly approaching, it doesn't look as though he will be anywhere near eating solely solid food. And you know what? That's just fine. He is the most amazing little guy; happy, energetic, perfectly healthy, and that is all that matters.
The point that I am trying to reach in all of this are the lessons that I have learned throughout this entire experience. In a world where so many resources are at our disposal, I have found much solace in the information I have found, as well as the experiences shared by other mothers. I have also seen some very ugly, very hurtful things. In one of my very first posts, I touched on how other mother's treatment of each other had disheartened me. I know now, that I didn't know anything then. I had no idea the level at which these mother's would go. In a time that we should be taking our new knowledge and sharing it with others, spreading a positive word out into the world, women are using it to put themselves on pedestals. For a perfectly wonderful mother to be maliciously attacked in any way, simply based on the fact that she does not agree with your point of view, is unacceptable. Advocacy should come from a place of love and support, not be treated in such a self-righteous, bullying fashion.
As with anything, the few should not define the many. However, that does not mean we should stand by and allow it to happen. I have seen one too many mothers sit idly by and do nothing while another is chastised for something that is no one else's business to offer their opinion on. To allow someone to call another woman "ignorant" or "naive" for the choices they have made for their baby. Your inaction speaks volumes to the others around you and it's quite simply, disgusting. Being a parent is difficult enough without having to worry that everyone around you is looking down on you with judging eyes.
The best way we can be a so-called "peaceful" parent is if we advocate acceptance. To let each parent listen and know what is best for their child. To let them know that they are doing the best they can, because they are learning and listening and doing what works for their family. My son, both of my children, have taught me this. Does my baby sleep through the night? Not even close. Does my toddler sometimes win a screaming match? More often than I care to admit. At the end of each and every day though, I know that I am doing my absolute best. My children are safe, healthy, and infinitely loved. Whether or not they have been breast-fed, vaccinated, properly potty trained, used a pacifier, or any one of the other million things that mothers are being judged by, isn't going to change that fact that I am a good parent. And I'll be damned if I am going to let someone tell me, or any other mother, otherwise.
Let us start to hold our judgements and open our hearts. Don't let statistics or studies frighten you from doing what you know is best for you and your child. Stand strong behind your choices and give others mothers the confidence to do the same for themselves. We don't have to be martyrs to these zealot mothers. We can show our children how sometimes the best course of action is a little love and a smile.
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