Do you ever have those days where you feel like all of those separate parts of yourself are competing against each other? Where the mom part of you is fighting with the woman part who is fighting with the rational part? (Yes, being a woman is THAT complex.) These days come along every so often for me, but it's not very often that they come and I feel like such a terrible person because of it.
Let me start by addressing the fact that I know how blessed I am in my life. I thank the good Lord every single day for the amazing family he has graciously trusted me to take care of. He led me into the arms of the most amazing man I have ever known and allowed me the chance to create life with him. He has shown me a miracle in my Asher, the son I never thought I would have and who is so strong-willed and determined. In my Bishop he showed me that I had started taking all of my responsibilities a little too seriously, and graciously handed me this bright, hilarious, vibrant little man. And now, I have been given a third son. My little Davis, who I feel as though I already know. By simply getting to watch him on that sonogram and see how long and strong his bones are and see how calm he is, there is simply nothing like it.
I'm the luckiest woman alive.
Why then, do I feel racked with guilt?
It wasn't any secret that I had wanted a daughter. For most women, I think this is a natural desire. To have someone to share all of those moments in life with that only another woman can understand. To have tea parties with and teach her how to do her make-up. To help her pick out her wedding dress and help plan her wedding. To help her and guide her through her pregnancies. To give her all of the tools in life to help her become a strong, confident, independent woman. Something that I think this world is lacking in. I know that I will be blessed with daughters in law, but anyone who is close to her mother knows that it's not the same type of relationship. The one you have with your own mother is on a whole other level. The same way my sons will have a very different relationship with their father than they will with me. And now that I am closing the door on all of that, I'm met with this whirlwind of emotions.
I know a lot of people haven't believed me when I say that we are done having children. And honestly, even I don't what the future holds. I do know however, that I'm not the type of person to have children just to get a certain gender. Paul and I are fully aware of our limits and what dynamic works for our family and right now, it seems as though three is what is going to work for us. For myself personally, I don't know that I can handle being pregnant again. I also don't feel comfortable taking myself beyond the limits of where I know I can take care of my family the way I want to. Happiness is key.
As I left my sonogram on Wednesday, I was determined not to feel even the smallest twinge of disappointment. I didn't want to insult the beautiful life I am carrying inside of me. I never want him to think for a single second that I didn't want him just the way he was. Because honestly? I wouldn't change it even if I were given the chance. He is my son and I love him and God has given him to me for a reason. And with so many women who cannot have children, I was ashamed that those feelings could even present themselves. So for the last two days that is what I have been doing. I have been fighting my feelings, because I am ashamed. Then today I broke down and I cried like a little baby. I never really prepared myself for a life where I wouldn't have a daughter and never thought that it would affect me this way. It all seems so silly. Maybe it is. I guess I mostly just don't want people to get the wrong idea, to think less of me. This isn't about me whining or complaining, it's more about me coming to terms with letting go of something I never realized I was holding onto so tightly.
I was almost afraid to write this. I am embarrassed, quite frankly. Then I thought about how if I feel this way, how many other women and mothers out there hide their feelings and emotions in fear of being judged? I am crying not for what is, but for what never will be and there is nothing wrong with that.
I dont think you should feel guilty at all. I think in some way women in our position who have multiple of one gender at some point in time feel a little let down. I see mothers with their sons and its such a different relationship then what I have with my girls. I also wouldnt change them for the world but I admit I was slightly saddened. I imagine justin was a touch sad to think he will ever have a son.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who thinks any less of you because of how youre feeling doesnt know where your coming from. It has nothing to do with not being grateful, when your young you grow up having day dreams of what your life as an adult will be like and in those day dreams you imagined a little girl. Its completely natural for you to be saddened by the notion it might not happen.
On a side note, I want to say its a real shame that "you" (every women) has to feel guilty of her own feelings because she's afraid of how it makes her look. They are our feelings and we are allowed to feel how we feel. It doesnt change the amazing woman you are, or the fantastic mother you are. Feel how you feel with out guilt.
<3
Thank you so much for your words Vanessa <3 I feel like we totally missed out, first in high school and then later on, on a friendship that could have been really amazing. It seems all too often that we could be exactly the friend that the other needs.
ReplyDelete