This is one of those moments as a mother where I cannot tell if I am super awesome, warrior-mama or completely out of my skull nutso. Maybe it's a little bit of both. Which is fine, I'm sure we could all do with a little crazy every now and then(at least, that is what I keep telling myself). I guess I am feeling the pressure and the complete and total intimidation of embarking on something that makes me feel a little out of my depth to say the least: Homeschooling.
Yeah, you heard me right. I'm going to try and homeschool three little boys all by my lonesome. To be perfectly honest, I'm really kind of thrilled about it. Sending my oldest son to school has had me in a bout of anxiety for over a year now. Not because I don't want him to be away from me or anything like that, but because it just never felt right. I've seen him develop and I have noticed how he approaches learning and new tasks. I've seen how his development and personality changes depending on the groups of children he is around. I also know what happens when he is forced to learn or experience new things in a manner that is not familiar to him. Not that he should only ever be limited to one way of doing things, but I feel that new approaches or situations should be introduced at a pace that is acceptable for the individual. In a way that allows them to have a complete understanding and familiarity with what they are doing. Not in a way that will keep him on some sort of "schedule" that someone who doesn't even know him deems appropriate. I'm afraid that traditional schooling is going to snuff out what makes him who he is, stunt his ability to form his own opinions and processes.
Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand where I'm coming from in this decision. Not for one second do I think that the teachers in this country are incapable of teaching my children properly. I have many friends who are teachers, wonderful teachers, who I know work extremely hard and devote all of who they are to what they do and to the students in their classrooms. I also know however, how thin they are stretched. How at the end of everyday, know matter what they do, they are fighting a fight they feel like they cannot win. The system has put an overwhelming pressure on these teachers to perform to standards. They increase the workload, they increase the class size, they raise expectations. Then they are given nothing in return; lower budgets, lower salaries, fewer resources. No matter how hard these amazing teachers work, it is inevitable that there will always be students not getting what they need. And it is in no way their fault. The system is broken.
I am very fortunate, as a mother, to have the opportunity to stay at home with my children. If I can take that opportunity and turn it into something life-changing for them, how can they lose? To give them complete and total one on one attention. To help them develop their own learning styles and show them how to maximize their potential. It will also be greatly beneficial for me, because it will allow me the chance to develop the type of home life that I am desperately trying to strive for. No one is perfect and I feel as though I have not been doing everything I can as their mother to push them. All too often at the end of the day I am disappointed in what I didn't do, rather than what I did. This is a chance for me to hold myself accountable. To rely less on cartoons, toys, and lazy days and prove to myself and my children that every day of this life can be packed full of potential.
The most exciting thing for me I think, is knowing how this will cultivate their relationships with each other. Too many families are disconnected nowadays, spending hours apart while in the same house. I want my sons to rely on one another. To know that their brother is someone they can turn to, learn from, experience life with. I want to give them time for life. Not for schedules, or deadlines, but for really knowing and seeing what they are capable of and what they want from their lives. This, for our family, is how we think we can achieve such a life.
So now I am knee-deep in research, lesson plans, state guidelines, book lists, gathering materials... I could go on forever. I am thoroughly intimidated, I'm not going to lie. I can do it though. I will do it. I gave them the gift of life and now I can give them the gift of education. It's an exciting and thrilling thought.
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Thoreau
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