"When you do the work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to see that everything outside you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts."
I have been trying to write this post for quite some time now. There have been countless drafts that, when written, just could not say what I was trying to get across. That and the fact that I just have not given myself the time to truly sit down and sort through all of the things I wanted to say. Now that my oldest is thoroughly in the Christmas spirit(and the movies that go along with it) and my little one is napping, I think it's time I just spat it out.
A lot of the reason that I haven't given myself the time to write on my blog as often as I once did, is because the Bowers home is undergoing a transformation. Priorities are being assessed, life is being reflected upon, and changes are being made. A few months ago I had reached my proverbial 'wits end'. I was becoming more and more pregnant, equally as stressed, and completely out of ideas. I started feeling like no one in my family was getting their needs met in a proper manner. I felt as though I was doing my best, but I wasn't getting anywhere near the results that I desired. So if that was the case, was it really my best? Was I honestly doing everything that I could? The answer was a quick and firm no. I wasn't. I was doing what I could to get through the day without losing my mind and let me tell you, that can only last for so long before you start seeing the effects.
In the midst of all of this, came the most wonderful blessing in disguise that we could have ever gotten; we had to move. It's not that we didn't like where we were, but it just wasn't the right fit. So we decided to take the opportunity and try to put ourselves in a place where we knew we would be happy...and we struck gold. We found a home in the one and only place in this entire area we have ever wanted to live. We would visit the area every chance we had during the spring and summer months and could have only ever dreamed we would actually be able to live in a place like that. It was as though the pieces were finally fitting together. We sat down as a couple several times in the days leading up to the move, discussing how we could transition our family into a more positive place. We were ready for more from life, tired of just getting the bare minimum out of every day together.
In the first few weeks we were here, we really just tried to concentrate on getting settled in. We had visitors and unpacking to do, so the changes were going to have to come slowly. Once things settled down though, it was time to put in the work. Where, may you ask, do you start to make such changes? Well, when you're a parent, it's the most obvious place; your children. In all the discussions we had, in all of the reflection we did, we realized one thing; those two little boys weren't getting the best of us. And as parents, we were ashamed. Ashamed that we let the stresses of the every day get in the way of what is truly important. Our family. Every person in our home should be giving each other our best self first, not the self that was left over after all of life's drama.
It was very lucky for us that I stumbled upon a blog, of all things, that would be the key to it all. I will owe those two women a debt of gratitude for the rest of my life. It may sound silly to some of you, but I promise, the enlightenment that I have found through them has been more than I could have ever imagined. My biggest hurdle upon starting all of this was how to handle my oldest son's tantrums. He is very strong willed little boy, with energy for ten, and the intelligence to match. I have always struggled with how to harness all of what he has to offer, and have almost always failed to do so. As a mother, it is the most frustrating thing in the world. It causes a slippery slope of stressful situations and I was desperate for help. The answers I found made us feel so foolish. How often was I telling my son to 'hold on' or 'wait a minute'? How many times was I saying that he couldn't do this, that, or the other thing? How many times did I end up letting him watch cartoons, because I just didn't know what to do? The answer? Too many. What was I doing that was honestly so important that I couldn't give him my full and undivided attention? That I couldn't let him roll in the dirt or some equally messy thing? I was becoming my own worst nightmare, because I was trying to keep everything under such a tight lid. Treating my home like one of those peanut joke jars that explode when you open them. Thinking that if I let even the smallest thing go, all hell would break loose. Boy was I wrong.
So we started with the TV first. Since we had just moved we decided that we weren't going to get cable. That we would just take that out of the equation completely. My husband and I watch our shows at night on Hulu and my son still gets a certain amount of allotted time each day for the movies he enjoys. That alone worked wonders that I could have never imagined. The second thing we decided to change was the way that we spoke to our children. No more yelling, no more saying 'hold on', 'not right now', 'in a minute', etc... We also only say 'no' when it truly matters. We speak to him as though everything he has to say, every thought he has to offer, is of the utmost importance. Because it is. What he has to say isn't any less important because he is three and it was time we remembered that. He is a human being with thoughts and ideas and we needed to respect that more. The results of this have been astounding. The tantrums have decreased 1,000%. Not that he doesn't still have his moments, because he does, but he at least knows he is being heard. I think for myself, this has been the most important change. It has allowed me to see a part of my son that I never have before. The moments that it has allowed us to have are priceless and I know that it will only continue to get better.
The last thing that we did was change how our children play. I overhauled everything that we owned. I then started to create a playroom for them that was geared toward their imaginations. It still has a very long way to go, but the small changes we have made so far have been fantastic. They still have their cars and actions figures, but it's all whittled down to things that can instill creativity. Nothing that will hypnotize or dull their play, only things that will enhance it. If the weather is nice enough, we are outside. If it isn't, I am trying my very best to set them up with projects or new experiences that I hope they will remember forever. We are trying to cement ourselves in our children's play, something that I don't think enough parents do these days. I hope that it can be my gift to them, but also a gift for us. It has made us so much closer as a family, as a couple, as individuals. I could only hope to imagine how much better it will be when we start to expand on the things we have done. Make them bigger, make them better.
The knowledge and peace that I have gained over the last few months are more valuable than anything I have done. I was long overdue to just let go, and let life. Messes can be cleaned, the memory of the moment is what lasts. Showing my son how to cut and cook food is much more important then shooing him away so I can get things done faster. Letting my one year old eat a little shaving cream while he plays in the tub isn't going to kill him. Those things don't matter, life matters. I'm only sorry that I didn't learn my lesson sooner.
A lot of the reason that I haven't given myself the time to write on my blog as often as I once did, is because the Bowers home is undergoing a transformation. Priorities are being assessed, life is being reflected upon, and changes are being made. A few months ago I had reached my proverbial 'wits end'. I was becoming more and more pregnant, equally as stressed, and completely out of ideas. I started feeling like no one in my family was getting their needs met in a proper manner. I felt as though I was doing my best, but I wasn't getting anywhere near the results that I desired. So if that was the case, was it really my best? Was I honestly doing everything that I could? The answer was a quick and firm no. I wasn't. I was doing what I could to get through the day without losing my mind and let me tell you, that can only last for so long before you start seeing the effects.
In the midst of all of this, came the most wonderful blessing in disguise that we could have ever gotten; we had to move. It's not that we didn't like where we were, but it just wasn't the right fit. So we decided to take the opportunity and try to put ourselves in a place where we knew we would be happy...and we struck gold. We found a home in the one and only place in this entire area we have ever wanted to live. We would visit the area every chance we had during the spring and summer months and could have only ever dreamed we would actually be able to live in a place like that. It was as though the pieces were finally fitting together. We sat down as a couple several times in the days leading up to the move, discussing how we could transition our family into a more positive place. We were ready for more from life, tired of just getting the bare minimum out of every day together.
In the first few weeks we were here, we really just tried to concentrate on getting settled in. We had visitors and unpacking to do, so the changes were going to have to come slowly. Once things settled down though, it was time to put in the work. Where, may you ask, do you start to make such changes? Well, when you're a parent, it's the most obvious place; your children. In all the discussions we had, in all of the reflection we did, we realized one thing; those two little boys weren't getting the best of us. And as parents, we were ashamed. Ashamed that we let the stresses of the every day get in the way of what is truly important. Our family. Every person in our home should be giving each other our best self first, not the self that was left over after all of life's drama.
It was very lucky for us that I stumbled upon a blog, of all things, that would be the key to it all. I will owe those two women a debt of gratitude for the rest of my life. It may sound silly to some of you, but I promise, the enlightenment that I have found through them has been more than I could have ever imagined. My biggest hurdle upon starting all of this was how to handle my oldest son's tantrums. He is very strong willed little boy, with energy for ten, and the intelligence to match. I have always struggled with how to harness all of what he has to offer, and have almost always failed to do so. As a mother, it is the most frustrating thing in the world. It causes a slippery slope of stressful situations and I was desperate for help. The answers I found made us feel so foolish. How often was I telling my son to 'hold on' or 'wait a minute'? How many times was I saying that he couldn't do this, that, or the other thing? How many times did I end up letting him watch cartoons, because I just didn't know what to do? The answer? Too many. What was I doing that was honestly so important that I couldn't give him my full and undivided attention? That I couldn't let him roll in the dirt or some equally messy thing? I was becoming my own worst nightmare, because I was trying to keep everything under such a tight lid. Treating my home like one of those peanut joke jars that explode when you open them. Thinking that if I let even the smallest thing go, all hell would break loose. Boy was I wrong.
So we started with the TV first. Since we had just moved we decided that we weren't going to get cable. That we would just take that out of the equation completely. My husband and I watch our shows at night on Hulu and my son still gets a certain amount of allotted time each day for the movies he enjoys. That alone worked wonders that I could have never imagined. The second thing we decided to change was the way that we spoke to our children. No more yelling, no more saying 'hold on', 'not right now', 'in a minute', etc... We also only say 'no' when it truly matters. We speak to him as though everything he has to say, every thought he has to offer, is of the utmost importance. Because it is. What he has to say isn't any less important because he is three and it was time we remembered that. He is a human being with thoughts and ideas and we needed to respect that more. The results of this have been astounding. The tantrums have decreased 1,000%. Not that he doesn't still have his moments, because he does, but he at least knows he is being heard. I think for myself, this has been the most important change. It has allowed me to see a part of my son that I never have before. The moments that it has allowed us to have are priceless and I know that it will only continue to get better.
The last thing that we did was change how our children play. I overhauled everything that we owned. I then started to create a playroom for them that was geared toward their imaginations. It still has a very long way to go, but the small changes we have made so far have been fantastic. They still have their cars and actions figures, but it's all whittled down to things that can instill creativity. Nothing that will hypnotize or dull their play, only things that will enhance it. If the weather is nice enough, we are outside. If it isn't, I am trying my very best to set them up with projects or new experiences that I hope they will remember forever. We are trying to cement ourselves in our children's play, something that I don't think enough parents do these days. I hope that it can be my gift to them, but also a gift for us. It has made us so much closer as a family, as a couple, as individuals. I could only hope to imagine how much better it will be when we start to expand on the things we have done. Make them bigger, make them better.
The knowledge and peace that I have gained over the last few months are more valuable than anything I have done. I was long overdue to just let go, and let life. Messes can be cleaned, the memory of the moment is what lasts. Showing my son how to cut and cook food is much more important then shooing him away so I can get things done faster. Letting my one year old eat a little shaving cream while he plays in the tub isn't going to kill him. Those things don't matter, life matters. I'm only sorry that I didn't learn my lesson sooner.
Your boys are going to have such a fun, meaningful childhood together! I'm so glad we all stumbled upon Play at Home Mom. It's definitely going to make me a better mother <3
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